Once upon a time, I thought "surrender" was a sign of weakness. A sign of defeat. Giving up or quitting.
I see it much differently now.
A long while ago during the summer I was at the beach standing where the edge of the water kisses the sand. I watched the waves come in from a distance and crash onto that edge consistently. I gradually stepped deeper into the water, passed the "kissing edge", to feel the water and anticipate the waves. If I noticed a huge wave coming, I would turn around and walk back towards the starting point. Bracing myself for when the remnants of the wave would eventually hit my lower back. I repeated this motion over and over again.
Until I eventually chose, to stand still, and face the wave.
I was approaching the water once more when I noticed a huge wave making it's way down. I laughed to myself and thought "this is definitely gonna knock me flat on my ass". I looked to my right were I'd noticed earlier a little girl playing the "wave game" just like I was. I watched her dad reach down and playfully scoop her up as they both headed towards the sand. Good Idea, I thought. This was all happening in a matter of seconds. I turned and faced the wave and decided, for no real reason, that this time I will not move.
This time I will not turn my back
This time I will not run away from the obvious
This time....I will surrender
I got hit hard. It felt like a startling punch to the face. Not hard, but definitely heavy. Like how it feels when a king size mattress falls on you. The weight of the water pushed me back and caused me to loose my balance. I didn't fight it. I let it all happen. As I gathered myself and tried to regain my composure, I thought to myself - everyone must have really enjoyed that awkward show I just put on.
Way to go Cheli. Let's just hope nobody captured it for the gram and made you a recurring meme. Instead, as I was finally getting my vision back, I heard a young man to the left of me yell out "Yes! Way to commit!"
Seriously? Way to commit?
My action and his words did not resonate until much later. We never really grasp the message in the moment do we?
I get it now.
In that moment I surrendered to the wave because in that moment it was a part of my existence. As long as I was in the water the waves would keep coming. I could turn my back on it out of fear or a need to control the moment but it did not change the fact that I was still in the water.
The waves would keep coming.
So how was I to know if I could co-exist with the wave if I didn't let myself feel it all?
I likened it to life.
We experience so many seasons (waves) in life - Joy, Grief, Loss, Love, Abundance, Flow, Pause. I've been guilty of choosing what I wanted to face and what I would rather resist. Some seasons have not had my full attention. I turned my back on them and waited for it to pass.
In the same breadth, I've also been able to surrender to a lot of seasons that nobody could understand why but me.
If I don't surrender I'll never know what I can truly handle. What I can truly gain from allowing myself to feel. I'm prepared to feel it all.
Joy, Grief, Loss, Love, Abundance, Flow, Pause.
Sounds scary? I know. But it's necessary. Even if it knocks you flat on your ass. It's necessary.
I choose to surrender to each season and let it have its moment. Joy, Grief, Love, Loss, Abundance, Flow, Pause.
Beautiful life. Let me feel it all.