Updated: Jun 1, 2020
I am learning everyday
to allow the space between
where I am and where I want to be
to inspire me
and not terrify me
- Tracee Ellis Ross
A couple of weeks ago I dropped my daughter off at her Drivers Education class and suddenly, her entire life flashed before my eyes.
We're here? Already?
She's gradually gaining her independence. Will we still be close as she gets older and makes her own decisions? Will my ways become outdated and "uncool"? Will my jokes become...lame? I was starting to feel like an insecure freshman on the first day of school. I sat in the parking lot furiously forecasting. By the way, forecasting is the worst. It just builds up anxiety and creates mountains out of anthills. In other words, it's a buzz kill.
So I tried my best to return to this moment. I tried to focus on today. I wanted to be mindful.
But I was failing.
I was struggling to be in the moment and my vulnerability saddened me even more. Why was I associating my children's ascent to womanhood as a lose to me? As a period of mourning. How do I make it stop? Or should I make it stop. This is a valid moment for me. It's happening now. Yet it seemed all I wanted to do was put a muzzle on it and make it go away. I'm in middle ground territory right now. This is new territory for me.
So, I question myself constantly.
What traditions do I leave behind and what do I keep? What do I adopt or adapt to? What do I make peace with? Am I giving them enough freedom or holding them back? Am I being protective, or low key controlling? This is not just new territory. It's bloody unknown territory. Like a fork in the road, I'm standing in the space between. It's confusing, it's disruptive, it's chaotic...and it's OK. Because I realize middle ground is sacred. It's mindful, it's holy ground, it's lessons learned and I will not be moved!...Until, you know, it's time to move.
It feels like I'm at a crossroad. Not sure what's waiting on the left or the right but feeling pressured to pick one. I find myself standing at the crossroads for what seems like too long. In the end, I chose to hang out in this middle ground, this space between, for as long as I need to. Here I can observe, I can contemplate, I can cry, I can explore, I can surrender. Eventually I will move forward into the unknown at my own pace.
"People need not fear the unknown if they are capable of achieving what they need and want.
We are afraid of loosing what we have, whether it's our life or our possessions and property.
But this fear evaporates when we understand that our life stories and the history of the world were written by the same hand"
- The Alchemist.
I've been sitting on this post for weeks now. Editing and re-editing as I grew in understanding about faith and fear. I have chosen to be OK with the stillness and uncertainty and listen to my spirit. In that moment, I wanted to mourn the uncertainty of change.
At the parking lot. In Walmart.
Right now, I have chosen faith over fear, knowing just because I can't predict the future does not mean I should be afraid of it. Fear is self-sabotage. So why would I knowingly chose to do that to myself?
I choose to walk blindly towards my future.
I was only able to get to this place gradually by being still. In the stillness I'm able to listen to my spirit, hear my inner voice, and give her what she wants.
Right now, she wants to be still.
So, I let her.
Right now, she wants to say Yes to things that used to be No.
So, I let her.
For once, she doesn't want to rush through every unknown door and figure it out later. Instead, she wants to navigate in the stillness first, and then walk towards the unknown faithfully,
So, I let her.